The essence of the family is WE: caring for both of us, about ourselves and about you, about our couple. We were separate, and we became together, we became a couple: you become part of me, I am part of you. “You and I – we are one.”
Internal wording: “Sometimes you want to kill you, to get a divorce – no.” “Divorce is out of the question, so we have two options: either shoot, or learn to negotiate.”
Feeling WE: “You and I are one, a continuation of each other.” The basis of proximity. We can have elements of a transaction in the family, but its basis is different: the couple lives (consciously or unconsciously) by believing in love – that the other can take care of you as of himself.
Since the family WE forms a single organism, a single system, in the best options for such a family it has the head of the family – the one who solves the most difficult issues and takes care of everyone.
Family We are suitable for a few. It suits only those
who exactly wants such a family (in reality there are not many of them)
who believes in the possibility of such a family (young people, it happens, believes in such a family exactly until they try to get down to business from romantic fairy tales and “la-la”).
those who master such a family, who have enough strength and beauty of the personality to build such a family.
It must be admitted that the WE family is a much more difficult construction than the I + I family; it is only possible for mature people with life experience and wisdom. She demands from a man the ability to be the head of the family, from a woman – the willingness to support her husband’s decisions, from both – to think first of all not about her interests, but about the interests of the family. Those who received an exclusive upbringing have better chances (well, there are wonderful families, they have remained since the old days!) Or underwent special training at Sinton – although I still will not promise everyone the desired result. Sorry about that.
If a couple (or at least one person in a pair) doesn’t cope with the relationship, then controversial and simply crooked versions of the relationship of WE appear …
Some family WE live in a very calm, I would even say – rotten mode. We are a couple, everything is cool for us, nobody is going to change anything. Well, harmoniously, in a single chord, they rot. I am closer to the family of WE, where each of the partners is in development, takes care of the development of the other and both are looking for options, how can they not fight each other now …
Love, sometimes, is significantly replaced by affection (“I can’t live without you!”, And then fear settles behind the desire to be together. “I have to be part of you, and you must be part of me, otherwise I’m dying.”) affection, but love, no fear: “I am with you because I am interested in you as much as I am.” You become part of my life because I want to take care of you.
Another danger of the WE family is the desire for the Other to become the same as me. In fact, WE are not necessarily identity. In the pair “WE” there may be a natural acceptance of the other as another: the other is me too, although with completely my own characteristics.
The third danger of the WE family is crooked care. Curved illusory (stereotyped) vision of our (yours and mine) needs, interests and tasks. One takes care of the other, but it does not make anyone happy. Or pleases only one side, and the other as a toy. This is often the most sincere love – without any respect for the interests of another: “I know what you really need!” Such relationships are especially common among loving mothers, and a classic of the genre: “Sema, you have to go home!” – “And what, mother, am I cold or hungry?”
The most problematic version of family relationships is when one of the partners tries to build the relationship WE, and the other is in the ideology of I + I … What is there to do? Still, start with the I + I relationship, and only gradually, as we progress in building mutually acceptable relations, gradually move on to the relationship of WE.