No one owes nothing to nobody?
“No one owes nothing to nobody!” – I said thirty years ago in the book “How to treat yourself and people: practical psychology for every day.” Since then, an equal number of people have sent me both ardent thanks for this position, which gave them wisdom and peace of mind, and equally fire-breathing claims from those who began to think so, treat people like that and as a result have broken their lives.
I quote the source:
I wake up early in the morning, I need to quickly pack up: I’m flying on a business trip. I understand that I don’t have time already: things are not all gathered, but it would be nice to have breakfast. My wife is lying, but she could probably stand up and help me … I’m ready to express my reproaches to her, but I stop myself at once: “Does this woman, your beloved wife, owe you something? No. But if do you want her to get up and help you, what should you do? – … It’s good to ask her: so that she wants to help you. ” And if she gets up and does everything, what will the husband have to tell her? – Thanks. And if she doesn’t get up (“I didn’t get enough sleep, the child didn’t let me sleep all night”), what should my husband do? At least not to be offended, and maybe apologize for the anxiety.
I wonder if wives would like them to have such husbands? – A husband who will always turn to her only kindly will never reproach, but will say thanks for her help and care from a pure heart? Yes, many dream of such a husband. But, probably, then husbands would like to have such wives. Imagine: a husband goes home – and is not afraid to go home, because his wife never swears! What a curse: after all, he owes her nothing. And for the good always grateful.
Yes, just a husband came home – this is a gift. The appearance of the husband home is a real family holiday!
Cool … So I made a gift for those husbands who dragged themselves home from drinking and announced to their wife that now she has a holiday! It seems that my long-standing mistake is that I always focus on decent people. I am always surrounded by very worthy and decent people, I am used to this environment and somehow seem to forget that most of the Russians live much more diverse. I write articles, suggesting that around you are just as beautiful and worthy people as around me – but is this not always the case?
So, everything is a little more complicated. Let’s figure it out?
If you need to ask for help, let the thought “Nobody owes nothing to anyone” stop you. Yes, no one should help you, but many will help you with joy: not because they should, but because they treat you well. You yourself, too, are often ready to help, although it seems that you should not? If you use the slogan “I owe nothing to anyone” in order not to care about anyone and not to answer for anything, then this is also, as the accountants put it, “misuse”. A real man should have his business, and you are responsible for your business. Only small children and adults with child psychology avoid responsibility, while for a strong and decent person, taking responsibility and responsibility for a lot is an honor.
“Nobody owes anything to anyone” is about something else.
It all starts from childhood. Once we were little, parents took care of us. Moreover, for us it was so natural that we laid down in our subconscious mind that someone should take care of us, should respond to our needs and respond when we feel bad. Mom did this, and we decided that the whole world should behave this way …
There is a whole direction in psychology, called cognitive-behavioral therapy, the main feature of which is that they explain to their clients over and over again that they are no longer children and believe that they, adults, today owe something to their friends, children , neighbors and the government – is already unreasonable. Inadequate. They have long boring conversations on each specific issue, it is useful, but it seems even simpler and more reasonable (at least for rational people) to agree immediately with the package: “Childhood has passed. And today, we adults do not owe anything to us.”
So? Have you agreed?
But then this magic word sounded: “agreed.” Adults know what an arrangement is. And if you have agreed on something, then now you already have something – you must. What they agreed on, they should. And if you haven’t agreed yet, then this is your concern – negotiate.
Let’s look at an example. Suppose a husband wants his wife to stroke his shirts. You are a husband. At once: do you have clear agreements obliging your wife to iron your shirts? For some reason, I assume that you do not have such agreements. Most likely, you have some traditions and the established order of things, according to which your wife usually does this if you did not quarrel with her. So – there are no clear agreements, no obligations. Your wife should not iron your shirts. Not required. But if you ask in advance and kiss her in advance on the cheeks, I’m sure she will stroke your shirts. And even with pleasure.