Ji must be let go! – How do we push each other
I will suggest you look at a small fragment of a conversation between two well-educated and already loving each other people. Their names are Ricky and Kate. This small conversation is unlikely to attract your attention – it is so ordinary, familiar, not distinguished by anything. And in my opinion, this is outrageous, because the way Kate says here is an example of rotten negative manipulations, and the link “But everyone does the same!” matters does not change. Let everyone do it – but will you do it?
I am sure that most of the readers of the Psychologist of this article will not understand and will call the author a petty person who, for nothing, will find fault with women. You have the right to such opinions, but you may also be interested in another view, where it is important not to convict, but to tell loving people: what is permissible and what is not. Because if what you do is returned to you by your partner, you will be offended and indignant. And because if you love – you want to take care of your beloved. Yes?
So watch the video. And after that – we will make a transcript of what is happening.
Ricky: What pasta, never tasted anything tastier. I understand that everyone can buy a semi-finished product, but only you can cook like that.
Kate: Help yourself.
What do you say about her face? Immeasurable anguish and fatigue, the rebuke of the martyr to the tormentor … This person is reproached: “How can you talk about pasta? You do not understand me, my feelings? And why do not you talk about Ji? Are you a soulless traitor?”
Ricky: Is something wrong?
Kate: It’s alright.
Not true. She’s not doing fine, she clearly shows it to him, but at the same time she says something else … Like, “I don’t complain, but if you are an attentive person, you yourself will understand everything.” It’s not fair. If you act honestly, everything is simple: if you want to raise a question, raise it! But there is another, crafty way – to attract the attention of an unhappy person, to make the man a little guilty and get advantages in this regard … This is called: “Play on the senses.” Manipule.
Ricky: Kate, I’m not blind. What is bothering you?
Kate: I’m worried about J …
“Disturbing Gee” … This is a description of the problem, this is the creation of mutual anxiety. Why not tell her right away what she wants? Why not immediately, directly and openly, offer your own solution to the problem? Does she have no habit of acting directly and openly at all – or does she not believe that it is possible to speak specifically with this interlocutor honestly, directly and openly? Honest and constructive interlocutors immediately, only outlining the context, formulate their proposals. For example, it might sound here. “Listen, about Gee. I have an unexpected suggestion: I think it’s right for us to let him go.”
(continues) Remember what he was like when we met him? He glowed with joy. Remember how he smiled? And now he is all exhausted.
Presses on the senses. Subtext, suggestion: “If it’s hard for a person, those around must take care of him!” The calculation is that the interlocutor himself will guess what she wants.
Ricky: Like you and me. This is a job.
Ricky does not understand her suggestions, for him the state of fatigue is a natural part of the work process, and he apparently believes that restoring his strength is the concern of the person himself. Just like taking care of yourself or feeding yourself.
Kate: Exactly – work! And now that he has become a star, it is getting harder and harder for him! After all, it all started as a game, but turned into a whole industry! Today on the street I was tried several times to poke various stupid goods with the J logo on it. Cheese, braid for packaging …
Emotions interfere with mutual understanding … Kate does not understand that Ricky does not understand her, and stupidly continues to crush. Blame and crush. And when he sees that nothing is coming out, he gets angry and begins to swear already on an extraneous topic. If she wanted to offer to let Ji go, it would be inappropriate to discuss the sales policies of the department where Ji works.
Ricky: I came up with that. What do you dislike? What harm is this? Buyers are pecking at a funny name, and Ji does not lose anything. Instead of hanging around on the roads, he can chat with all of America from the studio. So everything is for the best, everything is in the gain.
Kate: Yes, but we make a lot of money from it!
Hitting and blaming. Are you sure that hitting and blaming is a policy of honest discussion?
Ricky: Yes, but even the church makes money selling crucifixes and incense! Moreover, when a person buys something from us, he kind of becomes his friend. If a person wears a T-shirt with his name, he involuntarily thinks about his words and tries to live in a new way! Don’t you think so?
Ricky is trying to make the discussion logical …
Kate: You forgot something: Jee does everything for free. I believe that it should be released.
Once again the accusation, that is, continued pressure. And direct pressure is already without argumentation: it is necessary to do as I say!
Ricky: What? But no one forces him, he wants it so …
Another weak attempt to return the conversation to a civilized track, sort out calmly and on business …