Is the woman responsible for the mood in the family? Are you seriously?
Recently, the conviction: “This woman is responsible for the atmosphere (mood, psychological climate) in the family”, it seems, comes from every iron. The propaganda of this madness has reached some incredible proportions.
Why do I call this belief insanity? Because it destroys marriages as briskly as uncontrolled deforestation destroys Amazon. I see it constantly, because I work with couples who are on the verge of a divorce.
Alas, for many people, the conviction “A woman is responsible for the way in the family” is not a conviction at all, but an indisputable fact (of the “wet water” level). And if the water is really wet, then with family responsibility, things are more complicated.
And if this man is sure that the woman is responsible for the psychological climate in the family, he takes off all responsibility for the family. If a woman thinks so, then she takes all this responsibility upon herself.
What happens when one goes light and the second pulls all the luggage? Nothing good. The first is slowly scotched, the second is torn.
“You yourself are to blame!”
If a man thinks that the psychological well-being of a family depends only on his wife (because “she is a woman, this is her natural destiny!”), Then he begins to behave like an animal.
To begin with, he blames the woman for all the problems in the family. If he is in a bad mood, this is the wife’s fault. If the children are too noisy, she overlooked it. If he does not earn a lot of money, it was she who did not inspire him (do not laugh, please, I heard this madness repeatedly with my own ears).
Further more. A man begins to demand from his wife the impossible – to manage his emotional well-being in the family (and who else to manage if not for the woman, is she responsible for the way in the family?). Of course, a woman does not succeed – it is impossible to add the word “eternity” (in which there are eight letters) into four letters.
But it is possible to set an impossible task and then wholeheartedly punish for failure. Punish with a word, or even a deed. For example, beatings.
And then it will be possible to make excuses, saying that it was you who brought me to this, you had to obey and fulfill your female role, your destiny. In general, if you were a good wife, no one would beat you. And since you were a bad wife, if you did not cope with your task – it’s your own fault, I’m all in white.
Moreover, such a man will not get divorced – generously will give a chance to improve. If he nevertheless reaches the psychologist with his wife, he will be bored, look at his watch and ask: “But can you somehow cure her as soon as possible, this is her problem.”
“That’s my fault”
If a woman thinks that it’s only her way in the family that depends on her, then she begins a prolonged fall into the abyss. She is trying to do the impossible, which, in her opinion, is required to do.
Tries, tries, tries – and prepares dinner, and meets her husband in an apron on his naked body, and in every way pleases. Alas, she does not know an important psychological law – if a person indulges in everything, a person loses coast. Especially a person who does not think much about others.
And when a man loses coast, a woman becomes desperate – after all, she tried to be a good wife, but nothing came of it. This is a tragedy.
A woman is trying to fix something, but it is only getting worse – because she is trying to fix it by indulging, maintaining the same approach that led her into this abyss.
The result is a chronic sense of guilt (“I am spoiling my husband’s life”), shame (“I am not what I should be”) and despair (“I can’t do anything”). With this cocktail a woman lives.
If you have enough strength – get divorced. If not, it suffers further.
“You are in the same boat”
People amazed at the conviction: “This woman is responsible for the way in the family”, they forget the main thing – two people participate in any interaction of two people. And they influence each other. Mutually affect. This is a two-element system, like communicating vessels from a physics textbook.
It does not happen that only one person is responsible for all interaction. A quarrel, like fun, is created by all participants in the situation. In the case of a married couple, both.
Relationship is a double boat in which both row. And it’s not so important who is sitting in front, who is behind. All the same, both need to row – otherwise the current will blow.
If there are problems in marriage, then both of them create. Most likely, by accident, without malicious intent, but – both.
Therefore, both need to decide.
I always start working with couples with the simplest thing – I remind spouses that they are allies who are moving towards a common goal. This image alone (“we are allies”) is enough for people to shake themselves, turn on their heads and begin to solve their problems together.
Remember – if you are married, you are allies. The well-being of your marriage, its duration depends on each of you, and not just on the woman.
Be allies, help each other, get rid of stupid beliefs – and your marriage will be happy.
And I have everything, thanks for your attention.