Fidelity and treason
With regard to family psychology, fidelity is the most important and not always achievable condition for maintaining the stability of a monogamous marriage. Treason in marriage, adultery – a violation of a public or secret agreement on the exclusivity of intimate relationships.
In family history for at least several millennia, male fidelity, as a concept, was absent. Men, if life circumstances allowed them, allowed themselves to have several wives (there were certain obligations to them) and concubines without a number (there were no obligations to the concubines). In this case, female infidelity was considered simply as physical infidelity, namely a sexual relationship with another man. The fact of forcing a woman to have sex could be a circumstance mitigating her guilt, but it might not be.
From the end of the 19th and beginning of the 20th century, with the development of the movement for women’s rights, the requirements for men regarding fidelity began to increase and tighten. Men’s hobbies by other women became the reason for numerous showdowns, received the status of “treason” and became a common cause of divorce. In fact, marital fidelity is not synonymous with a happy marriage, just as flirting on the side is not necessarily a disaster.
For example, in one family, the husband is gentle and loving, everything is in order with sex, he is engaged in the house, provides money, is passionate about children, but allows himself to flirt to various degrees on business trips. In another family, the impotent husband, a lazy dog and a bore, lies on the couch, demands beer from his wife and lectures her on fidelity, objecting to her meetings even with friends, at least with work employees. Comparing two such men, many women are ready to choose the first option rather.
The practice of “double standards” causes a lot of controversy when someone decides for himself what forbids the partner. More often this is typical for men: “walking” is normal for him, and the same for his girlfriend is a crime. On the other hand, young girls often insist on the exclusivity of relations in such a way that they strangle all sorts of others, including purely friendly relations of “their” men. One can hardly speak of love here, in this case selfishness manifests itself more.
In most ordinary families, issues of fidelity and freedom are rarely discussed in a special way; it seems to some that here “everything is clear,” others understand that it’s very difficult to agree on these issues. However, at least to clarify one’s views and one’s position is necessary: for some this question is of utmost importance and just a sore one, but for someone all these topics are sufficiently indifferent, someone understands cheating simply as “the presence of a key in the lock “, for another betrayal is primarily a violation of spiritual connection. In any case, it is useful to know what can strain your partner: someone will take care of the feelings of their soul mate, because they love, and someone will behave more restrained, if only for reasons of prudence.
In civilized families, the question of fidelity, like most others, is decided by mutual agreement between the spouses. People are different – you need to negotiate. If the couple has agreed and both parties fulfill their obligations, most of the problems go away. How to talk on these topics? Carefully, carefully and concretely. The Family Contract Questionnaire can help you a lot, where among many questions you will be asked to answer questions about your vision of fidelity and betrayal.
Indeed, can a husband (at work, on vacation) be in close friendships with other women? Once in the absence of a wife hug a non-wife at the waist? Kiss on the cheek?
Here, disagreements run among young people under the age of nineteen. After twenty, most agree that there are no problems here and all this is possible. But everything is concrete, and if, for example, you see that this is annoying your wife, then you should behave more restrained.
Video by Jan Happiness: an interview with prof. N.I. Kozlova “About treason”, part 1. See the entire playlist here
And how much can you squeeze a non-wife during the dance? For example, a party at your home and you are dancing with a friend’s wife. Is it possible only “at a pioneer distance”? If you have discussed with your spouse and know that she does not care, you are calm. And the wife of a friend? Did she discuss this moment with her husband? If not, then it may turn out that he will remain silent and boil, and will cause a scandal at home. To discuss a similar situation with them in advance, there would be no scandal.
In some pairs, the question of possible infidelity is posed and resolved very harshly. Says Sveta: “Pasha told me:” If I suddenly find out something, I will kill on the spot. ” It suits me, I always dreamed of such a husband. But I also warned him: if I find out about him and it will be true, without explanation and proceedings I will file for divorce and he will not see the child. Pasha agreed. ” Such arrangements suit this couple; they have no misunderstandings on this issue.
Other families may have completely different arrangements. Picture: this married couple has a very even and bright atmosphere, his son is four years old, while the views on fidelity in this couple are very unconventional.