Marital relations: how to influence each other
If people are smart and love each other, everything is simple: one asked, the other did. Disagreements arise – close people agree. You can agree on almost everything, but not everyone is inclined to discuss, not always everything is openly discussed, it is appropriate and not everything is decided by discussion. For example, if you need to wean a person from a bad habit or to accustom to a good one, if you just need to draw attention to something, and distract from something, these are not questions of discussion, this is a question of various influences.
Is it possible, is it normal for loved ones to influence each other? Smart and loving – yes, you can and should. One way or another, close people always influence each other, the only question is how to do it more competently.
The “Crystallization” technique that we developed to resolve problems between spouses consists of the following steps. Suppose a husband wants to correct his wife’s behavior, which can suddenly erupt with reproaches, insults, he solves many issues without consulting her husband, essentially pushing him aside, that is, correcting those moments that weigh on him, do not like him and just offend him. Then:
The husband for several days, and preferably a week behaves “as good as possible”, manifesting himself as a loving and caring person, avoiding criticism and showdown even in cases where the wife runs into it. That is, no matter what the wife does, he tries to behave impeccably.
At the same time, he keeps a List, where he writes down all the situations in which his wife hurt him, did not respect him, behaved incorrectly, and so on.
After the observation period has passed, when emotions have calmed down and the look has become calmer, he parses the List and crosses out the disputed points from it. For example, these are situations where her problematic behavior could be provoked by clearly feeling unwell, tired or menstruating, when it could be the result of misunderstandings or worries about extraneous situations. Indeed, if a wife is worried about her father’s serious illness, she can be somewhat scattered about her husband at this time, and in this case, her inattention to him can hardly be considered her problematic behavior.
In the remaining List, the husband selects the “target”: the item that bothers him the most (for example, as the most typical or dangerous) and at the same time possibly easier to discuss and correct. Maybe this is her tendency to discuss his behavior with strangers, to speak rudely about his mother or the habit of raising negative topics in conversation without need. The main requirement – this should be a point about which the husband has or may have a realistic correction plan.
In special cases, you can take not one, but two, and in extreme cases, three points. But certainly not anymore. Why? Because if you strain a person on many points at once, you will most likely run into a protest and get nothing. And if you act in stages, gradually, starting with simple things, you will succeed.
Next, the next month is working only with the target. Our patient husband (or patient wife) postpones all the rest of his claims “for later” when these issues are resolved. Not all at once. Moving carefully, step by step, you will be able to do a lot.
If you do not succeed, there may be two reasons: either next to you is not your person with whom relations are not promising, or (more often) you simply do not know how to influence competently. Many of the tips that psychologists give in absentia do not work simply because you specifically do not have the skills and abilities necessary to implement this advice, do not have the necessary culture and level of personality development. Unfortunately … Total: so that you can do more, do not get angry with psychologists and their advice, but develop yourself.
As for the technique of influence itself, then all the options for influence can be reduced to four: Negotiator, Silovik, Dushka and Tactician. The negotiator negotiates in a reasonable way, the silovik forces his desire through force; Dushka tries to arouse the desire that everything is kind; The tactician creates circumstances so that the desired result is obtained as if by itself. Even trickier are manipulative tactics when all the same is done covertly, bypassing conscious control. How this can happen specifically, see the relevant articles …
It is easiest to influence when there are two reasonable and psychologically literate people in a family, about this article. It turns out that I am whining and crushing, and my husband needs logic and How to raise a great wife as a man from your beloved. The same topic is continued by the Taming of the Shrew, or How to put a husband on the Distance … But in the article Psychological influence, in order to correct the behavior of loved ones, the situation is examined, how to teach a good-natured husband to speak with a difficult character. Article Wife, I offer you a hand and heart gives examples of how you can agree on a reasonable influence on issues, how to teach your wife to relax normally, how to establish a sex life, how to get words of gratitude from your wife and much more.